Everything is New

I haven't written anything since Thanksgiving. I spent all of December focused of moving through Christmas with a cloud of grief, thinking about the birth of Jesus Christ, learning more about who Joshah is and just being with my family. Now, that January has arrived, I feel so philosophical. Everything is new again, it is a new year but some of the old grief still lingers, as I expected it would. But it is different than it was 2 months ago, for me anyway. I can not speak of how anyone else who loved my mother could possibly feel. That is the beauty of love, it feels differently for each of us. My grief is still present but has seemed to lessen as time as moved on. Don't get me wrong, there are times, usually at night, when my heart breaks open wide with wrenching pain. I will want to call her or the phone rings and for one brief second, I smile, thinking that mom is calling me to review the day. But we are no longer in contact, not even by phone. It is then, that I weep. If it is a moment during the day, I just look up into the sky and speak directly to her, I am immensely comforted by this habit. I should try it at night too. So, for me, things are better. I constantly think of how much fun she must be having in heaven. The people I know she is enjoying, the feast at the banquet table the bible speaks of and the incredible sounds of music and praise. Just recently, a celebrity's son died and they are not of the Christian faith, I thought how sad for the family to not be reassured of the great continuance of their child's life. But I feel sure that the child was not afraid as he entered heaven, even if he did not know anyone there, I am certain that my mom was there to welcome him with her incredible hospitality as he came to Heaven and into the presence of God.

We picked out her headstone the last week of December. It was very pleasant and not at all as painful as I expected. It probably helped that we had 3 children dancing around between all of the choices of stones, playing and picking out what they liked too. The Winnie the Pooh headstone was a favorite!. I am glad we waited to do this activity. I like that we haven't rushed the saying goodbye process. My dad wanted all of us to get our headstones at the same time, however, due to various reasons, none of us kids were Keen on that idea at all! He wants them all to match! LOL We agreed on the stone, size, style etc, for theirs. Before we left I told that Dad and Mecca that I just pretended to agree, and I was going to come back someday and pick out one for me that was bigger and bolder than anyone else's in the family!!!

Also, in December our sweet, funny, quirky Joshah was diagnosed with Apserger's syndrome. Mecca and Dad both confided that mom always suspected he possibly had the form of high functioning autism. It took me a while to fully accept the diagnosis, although Ray has said for years that there was something else going on besides just ADHD and he thought he had autism. I was holding out until the last possible minute, although deep in my professional special educator heart I knew. He is doing well, we are trying a new medication, he is sleeping better and we haven't had any red or blue days in this new year!

December brought the news that I have to have some dental implants and bone grafting. That has been scheduled for Jan. 21st. Our Mama Susie will come and stay with us for a few days to help Ray manage the house, Joshah (he is equivalent to 3 kids sometimes) and keep me drugged. Lol

Mecca said she is so glad it is Jan '09 and not Jan '08. Amen to that, sister! Last January was horrendous. Mom was just coming out of her increased ammonia state of mind (crazy), moving to life care and developed 3 of the 6 worst super bugs a person can get. So, now as much as miss her, I am thankful she is not crazy, at home in heaven, eating what she wants, not in pain, walking, and free.

My dad is doing as well as we can expect him to be doing. He has lost the love of his life, but continues to shower us with his unconditional love. His pain is still very fresh.

Finally, the new year is finally here and that brings me joy!

"The Lord your God is in our midst, a victorious warrior. He will exult over ou with joy, He will be quiet in His love. He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." Zephaniah 3:17 (NASB)